phunk.

Dear Readers,

Picture#2: This is how I felt about life yesterday.
I mean, what do I have to complain about? I just moved into a very cute apartment, it's the middle of summer, work is going well, I have great friends, really, I can't complain, can I? I go running, have cute clothes, have a very gracious family.

Picture #1 Picture #2

really I can't complain, can I? however, thank you picture #1. Picture #1, how I feel today. I just don't know. Is there unresolved something going on? I just wish everything was great, and it's not... I mean, I can count things I'm thankful for (as described earlier with picture #2), but right now it's just a hard road I'm walking. Work isn't great, school I'm not sure about, I'm not dating anyone (not that that will satisfy me), friends don't satisfy, music doesn't satisfy. JESUS, You are all that satisfy!?!? But now I just see in part, and then I will see face to face! Jesus, I long for that day.

Readers, don't be discouraged by my funk. I'm going shopping. Gotta get stuff for this new apt. Maybe just pray that I will see the Lord in good and sweet ways over the next few days.

time for the patience pants

Dear rather-neglected readers, 

I am overwhelmed with blessings in my life. I feel like I fit really well in the Springs.  I am connected and could constantly be doing tons of things. Oops... I started to do a lot of those things. And I feel antsy. It's scary to have people expect me to do things or show up and be responsible. Be a good friend, be a worshipper with a heart in the right place, be a fun yet hard-working employee, etc. (I am sure that this is partly some expectations that I've put on myself.) 

I'd rather be the new girl who is mysterious and novel. My novelness is starting to wear off. Crap. 

It's easy for me to want to run away when people expect me to do certain things or act a certain way or meet what they thought I'd be. I'm going to disappoint them, so why not just disappoint them by leaving, instead of sticking around and letting them see that I am not as wonderful as I first try to pretend to be. 

So... all this to say: I know Satan is feeding me lies about all this. But, Jesus has made me aware of it, and I can run to Him about all of it. I can REST in my Creators arms and come to Him with my fears. And He is gracious, loving, and good. 

a posh loneliness

One of my dear friends (okay, I'll name her... Kropp :) ) told me this week that I live a "posh" life. 

Sarah, Hardly.  I mean, I am often busy with cool things. I do have a great church, great friends, great worship stuff, great job, on and on. I know the Lord has handed me these things, and I am very thankful. And, my life is very full. But, sometimes I'm still lonely. Tonight and last night for example. All friends seem to just be doing other things. And, maybe I should be content watching a movie by myself or painting and singing or something, but I'm not. I want to be laughing and alive and with friends: pursuing the Lord, or just laughing, or I can even watch a movie with people - just not alone. Especially on a weekend. 

Why is it way dorkier to be at home on a weekend alone? I just felt like a dork this weekend.  I helped with worship tonight at church, and spent great time with a wonderful friend today during the day, but night is harder. I feel like it's also harder to fight the battle for my mind and my heart during the night when I'm alone. I could find something to do, and sometimes I try really hard to do that, but tonight - I didn't try, no one called me, and so I sit. Lord... speak. 

Jesus, YOU are always always always near. Be near to me on a Saturday night. Teach me. Lead me. Reign in me. 

a need for satisfaction.

Friends, 

How easily we think that things will satisfy us. I have been in a quest for satisfaction for years, and I have found the answer: Jesus Christ! He is my life, my hope and my satisfaction. However, I have to choose to come away, sit with Him, be known and loved by Him in order to feel that satisfaction. Following Him is not always easy. AND, I get distracted so easily by other things that look enticing that even may have  a strand or two of good things. Worship for instance: I love love love love it, but if being a part of the worship community at my church is what satisfies me, then I have lost sight of Christ. If I am trying to find my satisfaction in my job, in being well liked by any and all people around me, then I am going to keep finding myself disappointed. 

So, what do I do????? That's my favorite question. It's not a good one, it's just my natural one. I always want to make sure I am DOING what I am supposed to be, when the answer is resting in the ONE who KNOWS and LOVES me - who is never leaving, never disappointing, never not good. Lord, give me grace to follow you and rest in you and be satisfied in you.  

this is great. enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WwaPv1rZiQ&feature=related

Lisa Hannigan. Inspiring. 

tried and tired.

Today I went to court. I was very well taken care of - thanks to God and the nice District Attorney. I walked in with a possible 11 pt ticket and fines of possibly around $1,000.00. I walked out having paid $93.00 and as long as I don't get in major trouble with the law in the next 12 months, 0 points!!! YAY. Thank you LORD.

While I was sitting in the waiting room waiting and waiting because that's what one does in waiting rooms, I started reading "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller... and dang it has hit me hard. I've already been sorting through a lot in my head, but here's some honest thoughts as a result of the first 40 pages: 

So I have been trying to please the Lord with the things that I do. That maybe He owes me something because I try to be godly and to follow Him. Maybe that way He'll let me have a good future including a hot hubby, cute healthy children, and a life of following Him. That's what I want... how can I insure that? I can't. Do I want to follow Him because I love HIM and want to know HIM or am I really just looking out for myself. And, do I get jealous when He gives other people good things who I find somehow less godly than me? yup. 

Hello, I am an "older brother". More to come as I keep sorting out my depravity and reading the rest of the book. :)  

hmmmm.. heavy thoughts for the eve. 

song writing and fraturdaze...

I have started writing music. The Lord has given me lines of songs as I am falling asleep and then I usually try to choose to wake up, turn on the kbd. and write them down. It's really humbling and really neat. AND, I don't really want to play them for people because they're just really personal, but maybe someday I will... :)

My only other real thought this morning is that my fridays are pretty much everyone else's saturdays. so can I call them "fraturdays" without people thinking that I go to frat houses on fridays? I play worship a lot of weekends on Saturdays and Friday is the day when I just get stuff done. On the list today: mailing some thank you letters, coffee with friends, trying to get a hold of the transcript queen at JBU, catch up on Biggest Loser, study Psalm 139. Any other suggestions?

rubber fish and rest

A little job update:

Today I spent a lot of time trying to find a good fake rubber fish to buy on the internet. That's part of my job. :) Anything that anyone in the Children's Ministry department needs to buy they put on a list and I get to order, including fake rubber fish. Did you know that there is a lack of them in the US? 8 online stores were out of stock of these beauties. 

Besides the current lack of fake fish, work is going well. I am working with wonderful people. AND, the LORD is working on me even in the midst of a work day, so it's great. However, I am really sleepy. Work just wears me out. Who knew 25 hours a week could wear me out? 

someone called it -

--- everything has been happening all at once. 

Saturday I bought a car! 

And a cell phone. 

And today I got a job!

YAY. I bought a 2003 Dodge Stratus from a family friend for way under what it could be sold for. Thank you GOD and thank you Paul. And my cell phone had died the day after my wreck so now I have a new one. Today I found out that I will be a temp. admin for my church for 25 hours a week. It probably will be a job for at least a few months if not more.  

So, I start tomorrow. Pray that the Lord will be honored in my learning this job. 

WHOA. A lot of changes, BUT God is, again, not surprised. May I be faithful. 

Goodbye snowpuff.

Tuesday night we went to a basketball game, went out for chic-fil-a, I filmed some interviews for the valentines video that my friends and I made ("The love of your life" is the name of the film; check for it on youtube or facebook or movie theaters sometime soon :) ), dropped off some of my friends at home and then started to drive home. The roads were kind of wet, but it definitely didn't look bad, so I wasn't being super conscious of my driving... I was going north and started to slide on some ice, tried to correct it, but couldn't, kept spinning, realized a car was coming towards me in the other lane, and that I would probably hit her, so I honked, closed my eyes, kept spinning, and hit her. I hit the side of her car, kept spinning, then stopped in the middle of the road.  

Thoughts at that point, running through my head, "I am okay. Is the person who I hit okay? Did I hit her drivers door? Oh, I'm still in the middle of the road, and other cars are coming... will my car start?" 

My car started (albeit very funny sounds), so I pulled off to the side, and then got out to check on the other driver. Don't worry, she was not hurt, is a Christian, is wonderful (and even wants me to meet her 28 year old single son), and was great through the whole thing.  

The cops came.  I called my dad, he came. We emptied out my car, I got myself a few little tickets, our cars were both towed, and then at 12:15 I got home. 

-----------------------------

So... Goodbye Snowpuff. I have cried about how much I loved my little car. I just thought it was perfect for me, it was little, a standard, quirky and had great gas mileage. In Arkansas, it put up with me driving to Lincoln every day and driving to and from Colorado often. So, I miss it. And am just sad to see it go. 

But, the Lord is not surprised by my accident, and He is much bigger than car wrecks. There has been a lot of tough stuff going on in friends' lives lately, and I am continually reminded of the Lords' sovereignty, power, and LOVE. He does have good things for us, and sometimes does take us through tough things. Will we praise Him in the midst it?  I hope to... over and over again. I got to help with worship again this week and it was just a treat to praise the Lord with hundreds of other broken people. We are ALL desperately in need of the Lords grace for life and salvation, and He has given it to us! We can rejoice in that!  

oh... what a world we live in

Whoops. Got a little behind on posting (really, that's the story of me blogging since day one). 

Some thoughts on life and some accomplishments, in no particular order:

1. I LOVE my church. We are in the middle of a teaching series on worship and it continually is shifting my perspective of God. It's a treat. 

2. I don't have a job. And I am not going to India. I thought I was, but I'm not. It has been a good decision - I'm very glad that the decision is made. And I am excited about what's ahead...

3. What's ahead? You think I know? Nope, I don't. I just know that I love worship (leading worship, singing, writing, playing in the band, any of it) and want to pursue that. But since that doesn't pay at the moment (or maybe never will), I'm applying for more admin. jobs (woo-hoo!). 

4. This week I hiked the incline in Manitou Springs. It was a big accomplishment. I hope to make it a regular event. 

5. I'm reading a book called "The Art of Compassion" and it has some neat thoughts on art and how our art/music/ability to make $$ and give it away can help relieve some people living in poverty. 

6. I want to spend my money in a way that reflects what I care about. So, that means giving more, even when I don't have. and being smart so that my checkbook reflects that I care more about Christ and His work and His people than I do about clothes from target (man, that's a toughie). 

7. Other good book recommendations: Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and Soul Survivor by Mike Pilavachi. They have been part of encouragement that's gotten me through this waiting season. 

8. The LORD continues to put great people into my life that it is a treat to run next to. I am always meeting great people who love the Lord through worship. And friends continue to encourage me in HUGE ways. 

That's it. G'night.