a posh loneliness

One of my dear friends (okay, I'll name her... Kropp :) ) told me this week that I live a "posh" life. 

Sarah, Hardly.  I mean, I am often busy with cool things. I do have a great church, great friends, great worship stuff, great job, on and on. I know the Lord has handed me these things, and I am very thankful. And, my life is very full. But, sometimes I'm still lonely. Tonight and last night for example. All friends seem to just be doing other things. And, maybe I should be content watching a movie by myself or painting and singing or something, but I'm not. I want to be laughing and alive and with friends: pursuing the Lord, or just laughing, or I can even watch a movie with people - just not alone. Especially on a weekend. 

Why is it way dorkier to be at home on a weekend alone? I just felt like a dork this weekend.  I helped with worship tonight at church, and spent great time with a wonderful friend today during the day, but night is harder. I feel like it's also harder to fight the battle for my mind and my heart during the night when I'm alone. I could find something to do, and sometimes I try really hard to do that, but tonight - I didn't try, no one called me, and so I sit. Lord... speak. 

Jesus, YOU are always always always near. Be near to me on a Saturday night. Teach me. Lead me. Reign in me. 

a need for satisfaction.

Friends, 

How easily we think that things will satisfy us. I have been in a quest for satisfaction for years, and I have found the answer: Jesus Christ! He is my life, my hope and my satisfaction. However, I have to choose to come away, sit with Him, be known and loved by Him in order to feel that satisfaction. Following Him is not always easy. AND, I get distracted so easily by other things that look enticing that even may have  a strand or two of good things. Worship for instance: I love love love love it, but if being a part of the worship community at my church is what satisfies me, then I have lost sight of Christ. If I am trying to find my satisfaction in my job, in being well liked by any and all people around me, then I am going to keep finding myself disappointed. 

So, what do I do????? That's my favorite question. It's not a good one, it's just my natural one. I always want to make sure I am DOING what I am supposed to be, when the answer is resting in the ONE who KNOWS and LOVES me - who is never leaving, never disappointing, never not good. Lord, give me grace to follow you and rest in you and be satisfied in you.  

this is great. enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WwaPv1rZiQ&feature=related

Lisa Hannigan. Inspiring. 

tried and tired.

Today I went to court. I was very well taken care of - thanks to God and the nice District Attorney. I walked in with a possible 11 pt ticket and fines of possibly around $1,000.00. I walked out having paid $93.00 and as long as I don't get in major trouble with the law in the next 12 months, 0 points!!! YAY. Thank you LORD.

While I was sitting in the waiting room waiting and waiting because that's what one does in waiting rooms, I started reading "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller... and dang it has hit me hard. I've already been sorting through a lot in my head, but here's some honest thoughts as a result of the first 40 pages: 

So I have been trying to please the Lord with the things that I do. That maybe He owes me something because I try to be godly and to follow Him. Maybe that way He'll let me have a good future including a hot hubby, cute healthy children, and a life of following Him. That's what I want... how can I insure that? I can't. Do I want to follow Him because I love HIM and want to know HIM or am I really just looking out for myself. And, do I get jealous when He gives other people good things who I find somehow less godly than me? yup. 

Hello, I am an "older brother". More to come as I keep sorting out my depravity and reading the rest of the book. :)  

hmmmm.. heavy thoughts for the eve. 

song writing and fraturdaze...

I have started writing music. The Lord has given me lines of songs as I am falling asleep and then I usually try to choose to wake up, turn on the kbd. and write them down. It's really humbling and really neat. AND, I don't really want to play them for people because they're just really personal, but maybe someday I will... :)

My only other real thought this morning is that my fridays are pretty much everyone else's saturdays. so can I call them "fraturdays" without people thinking that I go to frat houses on fridays? I play worship a lot of weekends on Saturdays and Friday is the day when I just get stuff done. On the list today: mailing some thank you letters, coffee with friends, trying to get a hold of the transcript queen at JBU, catch up on Biggest Loser, study Psalm 139. Any other suggestions?

rubber fish and rest

A little job update:

Today I spent a lot of time trying to find a good fake rubber fish to buy on the internet. That's part of my job. :) Anything that anyone in the Children's Ministry department needs to buy they put on a list and I get to order, including fake rubber fish. Did you know that there is a lack of them in the US? 8 online stores were out of stock of these beauties. 

Besides the current lack of fake fish, work is going well. I am working with wonderful people. AND, the LORD is working on me even in the midst of a work day, so it's great. However, I am really sleepy. Work just wears me out. Who knew 25 hours a week could wear me out? 

someone called it -

--- everything has been happening all at once. 

Saturday I bought a car! 

And a cell phone. 

And today I got a job!

YAY. I bought a 2003 Dodge Stratus from a family friend for way under what it could be sold for. Thank you GOD and thank you Paul. And my cell phone had died the day after my wreck so now I have a new one. Today I found out that I will be a temp. admin for my church for 25 hours a week. It probably will be a job for at least a few months if not more.  

So, I start tomorrow. Pray that the Lord will be honored in my learning this job. 

WHOA. A lot of changes, BUT God is, again, not surprised. May I be faithful.