phunk.

Dear Readers,

Picture#2: This is how I felt about life yesterday.
I mean, what do I have to complain about? I just moved into a very cute apartment, it's the middle of summer, work is going well, I have great friends, really, I can't complain, can I? I go running, have cute clothes, have a very gracious family.

Picture #1 Picture #2

really I can't complain, can I? however, thank you picture #1. Picture #1, how I feel today. I just don't know. Is there unresolved something going on? I just wish everything was great, and it's not... I mean, I can count things I'm thankful for (as described earlier with picture #2), but right now it's just a hard road I'm walking. Work isn't great, school I'm not sure about, I'm not dating anyone (not that that will satisfy me), friends don't satisfy, music doesn't satisfy. JESUS, You are all that satisfy!?!? But now I just see in part, and then I will see face to face! Jesus, I long for that day.

Readers, don't be discouraged by my funk. I'm going shopping. Gotta get stuff for this new apt. Maybe just pray that I will see the Lord in good and sweet ways over the next few days.

time for the patience pants

Dear rather-neglected readers, 

I am overwhelmed with blessings in my life. I feel like I fit really well in the Springs.  I am connected and could constantly be doing tons of things. Oops... I started to do a lot of those things. And I feel antsy. It's scary to have people expect me to do things or show up and be responsible. Be a good friend, be a worshipper with a heart in the right place, be a fun yet hard-working employee, etc. (I am sure that this is partly some expectations that I've put on myself.) 

I'd rather be the new girl who is mysterious and novel. My novelness is starting to wear off. Crap. 

It's easy for me to want to run away when people expect me to do certain things or act a certain way or meet what they thought I'd be. I'm going to disappoint them, so why not just disappoint them by leaving, instead of sticking around and letting them see that I am not as wonderful as I first try to pretend to be. 

So... all this to say: I know Satan is feeding me lies about all this. But, Jesus has made me aware of it, and I can run to Him about all of it. I can REST in my Creators arms and come to Him with my fears. And He is gracious, loving, and good. 

a posh loneliness

One of my dear friends (okay, I'll name her... Kropp :) ) told me this week that I live a "posh" life. 

Sarah, Hardly.  I mean, I am often busy with cool things. I do have a great church, great friends, great worship stuff, great job, on and on. I know the Lord has handed me these things, and I am very thankful. And, my life is very full. But, sometimes I'm still lonely. Tonight and last night for example. All friends seem to just be doing other things. And, maybe I should be content watching a movie by myself or painting and singing or something, but I'm not. I want to be laughing and alive and with friends: pursuing the Lord, or just laughing, or I can even watch a movie with people - just not alone. Especially on a weekend. 

Why is it way dorkier to be at home on a weekend alone? I just felt like a dork this weekend.  I helped with worship tonight at church, and spent great time with a wonderful friend today during the day, but night is harder. I feel like it's also harder to fight the battle for my mind and my heart during the night when I'm alone. I could find something to do, and sometimes I try really hard to do that, but tonight - I didn't try, no one called me, and so I sit. Lord... speak. 

Jesus, YOU are always always always near. Be near to me on a Saturday night. Teach me. Lead me. Reign in me. 

a need for satisfaction.

Friends, 

How easily we think that things will satisfy us. I have been in a quest for satisfaction for years, and I have found the answer: Jesus Christ! He is my life, my hope and my satisfaction. However, I have to choose to come away, sit with Him, be known and loved by Him in order to feel that satisfaction. Following Him is not always easy. AND, I get distracted so easily by other things that look enticing that even may have  a strand or two of good things. Worship for instance: I love love love love it, but if being a part of the worship community at my church is what satisfies me, then I have lost sight of Christ. If I am trying to find my satisfaction in my job, in being well liked by any and all people around me, then I am going to keep finding myself disappointed. 

So, what do I do????? That's my favorite question. It's not a good one, it's just my natural one. I always want to make sure I am DOING what I am supposed to be, when the answer is resting in the ONE who KNOWS and LOVES me - who is never leaving, never disappointing, never not good. Lord, give me grace to follow you and rest in you and be satisfied in you.  

this is great. enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WwaPv1rZiQ&feature=related

Lisa Hannigan. Inspiring. 

tried and tired.

Today I went to court. I was very well taken care of - thanks to God and the nice District Attorney. I walked in with a possible 11 pt ticket and fines of possibly around $1,000.00. I walked out having paid $93.00 and as long as I don't get in major trouble with the law in the next 12 months, 0 points!!! YAY. Thank you LORD.

While I was sitting in the waiting room waiting and waiting because that's what one does in waiting rooms, I started reading "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller... and dang it has hit me hard. I've already been sorting through a lot in my head, but here's some honest thoughts as a result of the first 40 pages: 

So I have been trying to please the Lord with the things that I do. That maybe He owes me something because I try to be godly and to follow Him. Maybe that way He'll let me have a good future including a hot hubby, cute healthy children, and a life of following Him. That's what I want... how can I insure that? I can't. Do I want to follow Him because I love HIM and want to know HIM or am I really just looking out for myself. And, do I get jealous when He gives other people good things who I find somehow less godly than me? yup. 

Hello, I am an "older brother". More to come as I keep sorting out my depravity and reading the rest of the book. :)  

hmmmm.. heavy thoughts for the eve. 

song writing and fraturdaze...

I have started writing music. The Lord has given me lines of songs as I am falling asleep and then I usually try to choose to wake up, turn on the kbd. and write them down. It's really humbling and really neat. AND, I don't really want to play them for people because they're just really personal, but maybe someday I will... :)

My only other real thought this morning is that my fridays are pretty much everyone else's saturdays. so can I call them "fraturdays" without people thinking that I go to frat houses on fridays? I play worship a lot of weekends on Saturdays and Friday is the day when I just get stuff done. On the list today: mailing some thank you letters, coffee with friends, trying to get a hold of the transcript queen at JBU, catch up on Biggest Loser, study Psalm 139. Any other suggestions?

rubber fish and rest

A little job update:

Today I spent a lot of time trying to find a good fake rubber fish to buy on the internet. That's part of my job. :) Anything that anyone in the Children's Ministry department needs to buy they put on a list and I get to order, including fake rubber fish. Did you know that there is a lack of them in the US? 8 online stores were out of stock of these beauties. 

Besides the current lack of fake fish, work is going well. I am working with wonderful people. AND, the LORD is working on me even in the midst of a work day, so it's great. However, I am really sleepy. Work just wears me out. Who knew 25 hours a week could wear me out? 

someone called it -

--- everything has been happening all at once. 

Saturday I bought a car! 

And a cell phone. 

And today I got a job!

YAY. I bought a 2003 Dodge Stratus from a family friend for way under what it could be sold for. Thank you GOD and thank you Paul. And my cell phone had died the day after my wreck so now I have a new one. Today I found out that I will be a temp. admin for my church for 25 hours a week. It probably will be a job for at least a few months if not more.  

So, I start tomorrow. Pray that the Lord will be honored in my learning this job. 

WHOA. A lot of changes, BUT God is, again, not surprised. May I be faithful. 

Goodbye snowpuff.

Tuesday night we went to a basketball game, went out for chic-fil-a, I filmed some interviews for the valentines video that my friends and I made ("The love of your life" is the name of the film; check for it on youtube or facebook or movie theaters sometime soon :) ), dropped off some of my friends at home and then started to drive home. The roads were kind of wet, but it definitely didn't look bad, so I wasn't being super conscious of my driving... I was going north and started to slide on some ice, tried to correct it, but couldn't, kept spinning, realized a car was coming towards me in the other lane, and that I would probably hit her, so I honked, closed my eyes, kept spinning, and hit her. I hit the side of her car, kept spinning, then stopped in the middle of the road.  

Thoughts at that point, running through my head, "I am okay. Is the person who I hit okay? Did I hit her drivers door? Oh, I'm still in the middle of the road, and other cars are coming... will my car start?" 

My car started (albeit very funny sounds), so I pulled off to the side, and then got out to check on the other driver. Don't worry, she was not hurt, is a Christian, is wonderful (and even wants me to meet her 28 year old single son), and was great through the whole thing.  

The cops came.  I called my dad, he came. We emptied out my car, I got myself a few little tickets, our cars were both towed, and then at 12:15 I got home. 

-----------------------------

So... Goodbye Snowpuff. I have cried about how much I loved my little car. I just thought it was perfect for me, it was little, a standard, quirky and had great gas mileage. In Arkansas, it put up with me driving to Lincoln every day and driving to and from Colorado often. So, I miss it. And am just sad to see it go. 

But, the Lord is not surprised by my accident, and He is much bigger than car wrecks. There has been a lot of tough stuff going on in friends' lives lately, and I am continually reminded of the Lords' sovereignty, power, and LOVE. He does have good things for us, and sometimes does take us through tough things. Will we praise Him in the midst it?  I hope to... over and over again. I got to help with worship again this week and it was just a treat to praise the Lord with hundreds of other broken people. We are ALL desperately in need of the Lords grace for life and salvation, and He has given it to us! We can rejoice in that!  

oh... what a world we live in

Whoops. Got a little behind on posting (really, that's the story of me blogging since day one). 

Some thoughts on life and some accomplishments, in no particular order:

1. I LOVE my church. We are in the middle of a teaching series on worship and it continually is shifting my perspective of God. It's a treat. 

2. I don't have a job. And I am not going to India. I thought I was, but I'm not. It has been a good decision - I'm very glad that the decision is made. And I am excited about what's ahead...

3. What's ahead? You think I know? Nope, I don't. I just know that I love worship (leading worship, singing, writing, playing in the band, any of it) and want to pursue that. But since that doesn't pay at the moment (or maybe never will), I'm applying for more admin. jobs (woo-hoo!). 

4. This week I hiked the incline in Manitou Springs. It was a big accomplishment. I hope to make it a regular event. 

5. I'm reading a book called "The Art of Compassion" and it has some neat thoughts on art and how our art/music/ability to make $$ and give it away can help relieve some people living in poverty. 

6. I want to spend my money in a way that reflects what I care about. So, that means giving more, even when I don't have. and being smart so that my checkbook reflects that I care more about Christ and His work and His people than I do about clothes from target (man, that's a toughie). 

7. Other good book recommendations: Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and Soul Survivor by Mike Pilavachi. They have been part of encouragement that's gotten me through this waiting season. 

8. The LORD continues to put great people into my life that it is a treat to run next to. I am always meeting great people who love the Lord through worship. And friends continue to encourage me in HUGE ways. 

That's it. G'night.

good, great God

Well... I almost didn't get a chance to write in December, but for a few minutes I'm glad to take a breather and write what's going on. It has been a sweet, great, advent season. This month the Lord provided money for me in great ways: I got a check from the school I worked at in AR last year that I wasn't expecting at all. I also have been the fill in secretary for my parents church, and they generously pay. The Lord has provided for me in great ways - He is very worthy of our trust. 

Patience. Patience has also been a theme. The Jews waited 400 years for the coming of the Messiah - Christ - talk about patience! I have had trouble waiting 6 months for a job!!!!  So, this season I have found myself waiting for a lot of things: for the second coming of Jesus, (come Lord come!), for a job, for love, for an apartment, for things to be a little more clear. But in all of this waiting the Lord has taught me again about His love for me and that I am whole in Him - not in a job, or a boyfriend, or in a cute house, but that I am whole in the LORD alone. 

So, I am excited for a new year - excited to see what the Lord does and excited to continue to lean on Him and surrender to His ways (for the are best!).  And I have seen the Lord's blessing in so many ways: financially, with friends, with opportunities to lead worship, with working through good things with family, and with the hope that He will always walk with me. 

Snow way!

Snow. It hasn't stopped coming down all day. It shouldn't be a shocker - I did move back to Colorado which is known for white winters, but it's just snowing in my neighborhood!  And it's about a foot deep. And, if you remember I drive a toyota echo, affectionately called "snow puff." I mean, if I had a snow demon or a snow conqueror the roads would be no problem, but with the snow puff and dirt roads my attempt to get out of my driveway today failed. My car was lower to the ground than the snow was.  So... I missed church, missed having coffee with my sister and missed fun with friends in the springs and in Denver today because of it. Didn't realize those things were so important to me. Most of my thoughts toward snow are currently very grumpy thoughts, but as I've surrendered all of it to the Lord, it is a noticeable and stop-me-in-my-tracks reminder that I am not in control. I've had thoughts like, "This is it - I'm moving to the city this week." or "Which of my friends has a big vehicle that can get me out?" or "I've got to get a job... so that I can move... so that I can get where I want to go." Yeah, that's how it works! No. That the Lord does what He wants and that I am always and only dependent on Him. Not friends, not church, not coffee. Just the Lord. I must lean on the Lord. This is definitely not what I was expecting to learn or do today - He is always surprising.  So today... is Yours Lord, do what You want. 

what now?!?

Hi. It's Saturday afternoon and usually there is a plethora of great activities going on with my friends today - a hike, off-roading, movie watching, something... but today? Nothing. It is good because I applied for some new jobs and got some work done for my grandparents. But, I love being with people and doing crazy things and Saturday is usually one of the best days to do those things. My friends are beginning to mozy out of town for the holiday, which means... what do I do?????  It's been really great being a part of a community here and just feeling like I can run toward the Lord with people. Really great. So, what does this week hold? It'll be different from the rest for sure: Linds is here, huge party at the casa for Thanksgiving, no Bible Study, more free time. it's good; I want to pursue the Lord in the midst of it all.

Here's a low down on the job hunt: Banana Republic, had an interview, haven't heard back; ADF, didn't get the job; applications into a lot of new places (a new burst of enthusiasm): David C. Cook, Life Network, UCCS, Catholic Charities, International Justice Mission, and Youth For Christ... they're kind of all over the place and nothing that seems to suit me super well, but at least it's progress... and organizations that I would be excited to be a part of. Suggestions? People you know who could help? 

Fun moments lately: dressing up like a turkey for our Fakesgiving party, playing the accordion for friends, finishing up pottery class, talking about opening a shop called "the whimsical potato", running a 5k (this happens weekly in healthy downtown colorado springs - I've done it once), and hopefully singing in all 6 xmas eve services at my church (WOW). 

Happy almost Thanksgiving! 

baby, baby, baby

I love music. LOVE it.  I can't really explain why - something about how it calls us out of just life into something beyond. I don't know. But, here are some great musical experiences I've had lately:

- singing unashamedly on election day on the streets of DC with Devi - complete with motions, made up songs, high school musical, jack johnson and bing crosby covers. (Also, I got to carry the guitar on the metro which made me feel cool)

- leading worship for my bible study and then hearing the guys jam afterwards on my guitar, realizing that I am the worst guitar player there, and wowed that the Lord uses me 

- getting distracted from conversations because of good music. 

- new great worship cds. If you're in need of some things fresh, check out: new life worship's counting on God, and Hillsong's this is our God

- dancing. I need more dancing. 

God is good. He loves loves loves us, which is amazing. Satan is tricky. He wants pride or self-doubt or lies to sneak in and it's so easy to let him - which is why I am thankful for community because we were not meant to run this race alone. 

no I ain't gonna lose you.

Hey. I just discovered Brett Dennen. He's a new musician. Fun stuff... not sure if I can excuse buying an album at this moment, but it's very pretty and jazzy and folky and oh-so-cool. One of his songs is the title of my post if you want to check it out. 

So, speaking of not losing... I did not get the job at my church. By the time I got the phone call yesterday morning I was expecting a "no" from them - I think the Lord prepared me for that. It was a rough day but I had a TON of friends pray for me and heard some good truths to remember. The Lord has spared me from getting a lot of jobs - I have no idea where He wants me, but hopefully it's somewhere great because He's sure said no to a lot of things. 

Tomorrow I have another interview - doing nothing I'm interested in, but maybe jobs are not where we are supposed to always feel most alive - I mean, sure that is ideal, but maybe there's not a great fun job with everything that fits me and my job is to use my gifts to glorify the Lord through serving Him through the church or something. So good processing. So, the job would be a teller? Yeah, I know a lot about that. Nothing... the closest I got during college was during quantitative lit when I sat in the back and drew pictures to Jake and talked to Jonathan - not a whole lot of learning going on there. But, the Lord can do what He wants and I am trying to hear his voice. 

Oh, and I went to a retreat this weekend and was so surprised by what the Lord talked to me about. He's life. He's it. I've got to keep trusting in Him - that He's working in me. Very cool. Speaking of cool, it snowed!!!!! brrr... but pretty. 

whew.

So, hi friends.  I usually feel like I try to cover too much ground in a post. So here's an attempt to only cover two things - job update and art. 

#1: Job Update

I had a great interview last Thursday,(a huge thanks for everyone who prayed,) and had a second interview for the job this morning! I would

 LOVE this job. I would work with a great team of people and, I think, get to use a lot of my gifts and abilities and quirks. Woo-hoo! So, I don't know if I have the job, but will hopefully find out this week. It's hard not to get my hopes too high. But, I know that the LORD is leading me, and He will do what is best, and we are all striving to seek His heart throughout this process. I'll keep you posted with what happens. 

#2: Art

I have really enjoyed making some art as worship since I've been home the past few months, and thought you might want to see. 

pita pizza and bargin mart

No lies here. There is a shop in the Springs called "Bargin Mart". It's incredible. Cheap health&beauty products along with some good food that may have been slightly damaged, hence it's being sold at Bargin mart. 

Our fearless hiking leader Kristina organized another Saturday morning hike. This time we met at Sean's house (which all people would have trouble finding) and headed up to Gold Camp Road to hike the Palmer Lake Trail.  I was a little intimidated by the groups sheer athleticism (4 colorado boys, and two skinny girls), but we made it work. Six of us hiked the six mile loop, stopping to take in the scenery (or as an excuse to catch our breath; "oooh, look at that mountain" was really code for, "let me grab a swig of water and stop sweating." ) It wasn't a tough hike, so there was a lot of talking involved. 

Afterwards we were having so much fun and we were so hungry that we decided to make lunch at Sean's house. He made pita pizzas with chicken, roasted peppers, and mushrooms, and the rest of us found a way to make some good brownies. We played cards, ate, told stories, laughed, etc. for hours. I guess this post is just to say "WOW! THANKS LORD!" The Lord has put some really great people in my life that I am already comfortable around that are running after the Lord. It is a treat. I am thankful. 

hello?

So, yesterday was eventful. The morning started out normal - worship, devotions, breakfast, etc. Then.. I decided to hit the store. Target first, to try to find a jewelry holder like Jen's that I really missed. Then, Mardel, because I am running low on books to read and wanting to find something new. So, I bought the jewelry thing, and found a book. Both successes. I bought "crazy love" by Francis Chan. 

Then, with habits formed because of my state of unemployment, I went to Starbucks to read and enjoy my half-caf grande non-fat vanilla latte. I was reading "crazy love" and it within the first few pages just blew away who I thought God was and I was humbled, shocked, and awed. I am scared but excited about the way that the Lord can use this book to transform our understanding of Him. 

So, coffee's gone, I leave, hop in the car, the phone rings. It's a local number, so I answer. It's the lady from the church that I applied at a month ago, (when I didn't get the job), and she said that she wants me to come and interview for a FULL-TIME job with them next week. AH! divine timing? So, I'd be the women's director for their youth - jr. high, I think. I asked for a job description so I can think about my strengths and weaknesses in this. Satan's been working hard on me since then, making me think that I am not qualified and too messy to do this. But, I am so excited about the opportunity!!!! I know that a job will significantly change the way I've been living the past four months, and I will be sad to see this time go, but also know that I have been dependent on the Lord and praying for patient obedience in all of this.  

So, after the phone call, I tried to do my best in the interview that afternoon but didn't feel very excited about it, met some friends for coffee at Pikes Perk, then went to pottery class. By the way, I'm horrible at pottery. I have seen myself improve since the first week, but I'm still horrible. I can make bowls/cylinders that look like dog bowls but that's about it. 

It don't mean a thing...

If it ain't got that swing. I am a little tall.  5'8". Not super duper tall, but tall enough that one of my favorite roommates could wear my capris as pants. 

Last night I went swing dancing after church. I danced with four memorable dancers. All great guys, only one of them reaching 6'0". That should be fine, but when they're trying to get your head under their armpit for the pretzel it can be kind of traumatizing. There's also one move where they grab your hips and you grab their wrists and they throw you up in the air - I just felt huge and tall. One guy was trying a move he was kind of new at and we kind of stopped mid way - he was like, "I don't know how to do this with someone so tall." So, we gave up on that one.  They were all great about it, and it probably wasn't really an issue. I don't define myself by my height, but it was a bit of a detriment when dancing. I just wanted to feel cute and little. So, what did I do about it? This morning I had my brother, a proud 6'3", dance with me. I felt small. Thanks Dan.