phunk.

Dear Readers,

Picture#2: This is how I felt about life yesterday.
I mean, what do I have to complain about? I just moved into a very cute apartment, it's the middle of summer, work is going well, I have great friends, really, I can't complain, can I? I go running, have cute clothes, have a very gracious family.

Picture #1 Picture #2

really I can't complain, can I? however, thank you picture #1. Picture #1, how I feel today. I just don't know. Is there unresolved something going on? I just wish everything was great, and it's not... I mean, I can count things I'm thankful for (as described earlier with picture #2), but right now it's just a hard road I'm walking. Work isn't great, school I'm not sure about, I'm not dating anyone (not that that will satisfy me), friends don't satisfy, music doesn't satisfy. JESUS, You are all that satisfy!?!? But now I just see in part, and then I will see face to face! Jesus, I long for that day.

Readers, don't be discouraged by my funk. I'm going shopping. Gotta get stuff for this new apt. Maybe just pray that I will see the Lord in good and sweet ways over the next few days.

time for the patience pants

Dear rather-neglected readers, 

I am overwhelmed with blessings in my life. I feel like I fit really well in the Springs.  I am connected and could constantly be doing tons of things. Oops... I started to do a lot of those things. And I feel antsy. It's scary to have people expect me to do things or show up and be responsible. Be a good friend, be a worshipper with a heart in the right place, be a fun yet hard-working employee, etc. (I am sure that this is partly some expectations that I've put on myself.) 

I'd rather be the new girl who is mysterious and novel. My novelness is starting to wear off. Crap. 

It's easy for me to want to run away when people expect me to do certain things or act a certain way or meet what they thought I'd be. I'm going to disappoint them, so why not just disappoint them by leaving, instead of sticking around and letting them see that I am not as wonderful as I first try to pretend to be. 

So... all this to say: I know Satan is feeding me lies about all this. But, Jesus has made me aware of it, and I can run to Him about all of it. I can REST in my Creators arms and come to Him with my fears. And He is gracious, loving, and good. 

a posh loneliness

One of my dear friends (okay, I'll name her... Kropp :) ) told me this week that I live a "posh" life. 

Sarah, Hardly.  I mean, I am often busy with cool things. I do have a great church, great friends, great worship stuff, great job, on and on. I know the Lord has handed me these things, and I am very thankful. And, my life is very full. But, sometimes I'm still lonely. Tonight and last night for example. All friends seem to just be doing other things. And, maybe I should be content watching a movie by myself or painting and singing or something, but I'm not. I want to be laughing and alive and with friends: pursuing the Lord, or just laughing, or I can even watch a movie with people - just not alone. Especially on a weekend. 

Why is it way dorkier to be at home on a weekend alone? I just felt like a dork this weekend.  I helped with worship tonight at church, and spent great time with a wonderful friend today during the day, but night is harder. I feel like it's also harder to fight the battle for my mind and my heart during the night when I'm alone. I could find something to do, and sometimes I try really hard to do that, but tonight - I didn't try, no one called me, and so I sit. Lord... speak. 

Jesus, YOU are always always always near. Be near to me on a Saturday night. Teach me. Lead me. Reign in me. 

a need for satisfaction.

Friends, 

How easily we think that things will satisfy us. I have been in a quest for satisfaction for years, and I have found the answer: Jesus Christ! He is my life, my hope and my satisfaction. However, I have to choose to come away, sit with Him, be known and loved by Him in order to feel that satisfaction. Following Him is not always easy. AND, I get distracted so easily by other things that look enticing that even may have  a strand or two of good things. Worship for instance: I love love love love it, but if being a part of the worship community at my church is what satisfies me, then I have lost sight of Christ. If I am trying to find my satisfaction in my job, in being well liked by any and all people around me, then I am going to keep finding myself disappointed. 

So, what do I do????? That's my favorite question. It's not a good one, it's just my natural one. I always want to make sure I am DOING what I am supposed to be, when the answer is resting in the ONE who KNOWS and LOVES me - who is never leaving, never disappointing, never not good. Lord, give me grace to follow you and rest in you and be satisfied in you.  

this is great. enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WwaPv1rZiQ&feature=related

Lisa Hannigan. Inspiring. 

tried and tired.

Today I went to court. I was very well taken care of - thanks to God and the nice District Attorney. I walked in with a possible 11 pt ticket and fines of possibly around $1,000.00. I walked out having paid $93.00 and as long as I don't get in major trouble with the law in the next 12 months, 0 points!!! YAY. Thank you LORD.

While I was sitting in the waiting room waiting and waiting because that's what one does in waiting rooms, I started reading "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller... and dang it has hit me hard. I've already been sorting through a lot in my head, but here's some honest thoughts as a result of the first 40 pages: 

So I have been trying to please the Lord with the things that I do. That maybe He owes me something because I try to be godly and to follow Him. Maybe that way He'll let me have a good future including a hot hubby, cute healthy children, and a life of following Him. That's what I want... how can I insure that? I can't. Do I want to follow Him because I love HIM and want to know HIM or am I really just looking out for myself. And, do I get jealous when He gives other people good things who I find somehow less godly than me? yup. 

Hello, I am an "older brother". More to come as I keep sorting out my depravity and reading the rest of the book. :)  

hmmmm.. heavy thoughts for the eve. 

song writing and fraturdaze...

I have started writing music. The Lord has given me lines of songs as I am falling asleep and then I usually try to choose to wake up, turn on the kbd. and write them down. It's really humbling and really neat. AND, I don't really want to play them for people because they're just really personal, but maybe someday I will... :)

My only other real thought this morning is that my fridays are pretty much everyone else's saturdays. so can I call them "fraturdays" without people thinking that I go to frat houses on fridays? I play worship a lot of weekends on Saturdays and Friday is the day when I just get stuff done. On the list today: mailing some thank you letters, coffee with friends, trying to get a hold of the transcript queen at JBU, catch up on Biggest Loser, study Psalm 139. Any other suggestions?